Only a moment ago, I was a young bride of 20 with my dream of being a wife, mom, and homemaker laying at my feet. It was the start of my journey into life as an adult.
Only a moment ago, I was carpooling, making a family dinner every evening and hiding Christmas presents that would be from Santa. Those were such sweet days. There was a security in the rhythm, knowing exactly what I was supposed to do and be. I’ve been longing for that rhythm ever since, but it belongs to the past.
Only a moment ago, I became a career woman, finding out that I really did have what it takes to “make it in the world.” Yet having a divided heart, it wasn’t really me. And so the internal conflict surfaced: “Who am I?” and “Why am I not following my own heart?”
Only a moment ago, my children went to college and struggled to be independent. Then one married and a granddaughter was born, and my heart became vulnerable to this new one to love.
Only a moment ago, I was widowed suddenly and tragically. And then every plan, every preconceived idea of what my life should look like, was thrown overboard. And I searched and I searched, held closely in the arms of Jesus, to find my equilibrium.
Only a moment ago, five years actually, God brought me love again. And then He quickly brought an additional four, soon to be five, grandchildren. And my heart became even more vulnerable as I was blessed with so many more to love but wondering, “How do I do this well?”
And now at this moment, in just a month, I will be sixty years old. How is this possible, Lord? Inside I feel so young. And I’m still searching, asking the question, “Who am I, really?” and “What am I supposed to do?” Life is literally rushing by. I want to get this right.
As I pondered these thoughts today on a morning walk, I felt the Lord very close. With my headphones on listening to worship music, taking in the blue, cloudless sky and feeling the slight breeze stirring, I knew. It has and always will come down to God and me. He is the one who formed me in my mother’s womb. He will be the one who closes my eyes in death and carries me into eternity.
So I will keep asking Him these questions until my heart is satisfied. Doesn’t He invite us in His word to ask, seek, and knock? I know I will never find myself apart from Jesus. And I feel peace…..if for only a moment.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8